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FIC: Fracturado (Part 4)

Title: Fracturado
Summary: Stevie meets a decision. Xabi has to learn to live with it.
Part: 4/4
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst
Author's Notes: First of all, hugs and thanks to indigologic and paularinaa for all their help with this! Second, neither the boys nor the lines in italics are mine; the boys, of course, only belong to themselves, while the lines are taken from Gustav Mahler's "Songs of a wayfarer", 4th song, which you can listen to here. Thanks to everyone who followed this; comments are love and would make a horrible Sunday a bit better. 


Finally there comes a time, he can’t keep it up anymore. Even Xabi’s composure and strength eventually come to an ends. More precisely on the morning Stevie storms into the locker room, beaming, and announces that it is going to be a boy.

While he is congratulated by everyone else, no one notices that Xabi scarpers, flies into one of the long Melwood corridors, where he stands in the shadows, at the very end, so that no one will spot him, and presses his hot head against the cool wall. He would have preferred to drum it with his fists, but that would have drawn the others’ attention towards him and he isn’t sure if he would be able to talk at all without turning on the waters right now.

The façade has perished.

It is obvious during the training. Everyone realises that something has happened with him, that something has changed; sometimes they stare at him blatantly, without saying anything though. Stevie keeps out of his way as far as possible.

And Xabi knows that it can’t go on this way.

In the afternoon, after training, he calls his agent.

The two blue eyes of my darling -
They have sent me into the wide world.
I had to take my leave of this well-beloved place!
O blue eyes, why did you gaze on me?
Now I will have eternal sorrow and grief.

Even though the season has already started long ago, Barcelona are still interested, very interested indeed. So very much interested that they pay the seventeen million Liverpool ask for him without turning a hair.

The transfer is sounded throughout the land, the reporters nearly beat a path to his door, but Xabi is reserved like always and states in a calm, determined voice that it has always been his dream to play for Barca, that he is very happy about returning to his home country. He doesn’t say any bad words about Liverpool, thanks everyone for having brought him so far and having supported him, until last.

Luis is the first one of his team-mates who tries to pump him for information. The first, though by no means the last one who meets Xabi only with incomprehension. But he doesn’t confide in anyone, makes excuses by saying that he wants to play more often and that Barca suits his style better than the Premier League. It is obvious that the smaller one doesn’t believe him, but when Xabi doesn’t want to talk, there is no way to worm it out of him, and so one colleague after the other turns away disappointedly.

No matter how indifferent Xabi pretends to be, the move affects him. Liverpool, the town and the club, have grown close to his heart. When he is bid farewell by the fans and the players after his last game, he would have loved to turn back and not sign that contract. It is indefinitely difficult for him to take off the red shirt for a last time.

A last time, his gaze settles on the “This is Anfield” – sign above the tunnel leading out on to the pitch. He feels all odd at the thought that he will maybe never run out here again and be welcomed jubilantly by the fans.

A last time, he walks through the familiar corridors, wanders through the stadium until long after the game, sits down on his old place in the dressing room. There is already hanging Javier’s shirt above it, next to the one with the number eight.

A number that used to make Xabi’s heart beat with delight and amorousness. Of whose wearer he couldn’t get enough during the goal celebrations, enjoying each second of their hugs. Whose wearer also gave him wonderful moments off the pitch.

Gently, his hand slides over the smooth shirt, runs over the neck décolletage, rests for a moment over the left chest. Even though it is presumably brand-new, Xabi imagines smelling Stevie, not only feeling the cloth but him, being close to him, a last time.

“You’re leaving because of me, aren’t you?” A hoarse voice startles him out of his trance. Stevie stands in the door, looking over him with his grey eyes, his facial expression an impenetrable mix of emotions. For a moment, Xabi believes to recognize sadness in his look, but he isn’t sure.

And as much as he would like to lie, as much as he would like to rub Stevie’s nose in the fact that he wants to play for a club that is able to win its league, that his captain is a miserable loser – he can’t do it. Therefore he simply nods, nods and waits, eyes focused on the floor, until he hears the other one leave.

Without a caring word as a farewell.

Without a hug.

Without any sign that he still has any feelings for him.

I went out into the quiet night
Well across the dark heath.
To me no one bade farewell.
Farewell! My companions are love and sorrow!


Back in Spain, Xabi settles in fast or at least, he pretends to. He is one of the best in training, does extra sessions, is friendly and nice to anyone and everyone. His manager praises him to the skies and can’t wait for January, when he will finally be able to actually play for the club. The fans are enthusiastic at the outset.

His parents are happy to have him close to them; his mother pampers him while his father is simply proud that he has finally followed in his footsteps. They don’t ask why he wanted to leave Liverpool so suddenly, in the middle of the season, but are simply there for him. Which gives him more strength and confidence than any consoling words.

One day, he meets Nagore on the street, they say hello, stop for a little talk, after all they haven’t seen each other for a long time, since their break up at that time. At that time, when Xabi still believed to have a future with Stevie – not that he would have told her, he pretended the sport to be the reason, that it occupied him entirely, made lame excuses. The chat leads into a café, from there to a next date, to the cinema, to the beach and lastly into bed.

On the road there stands a linden tree,
And there for the first time I found rest in sleep!
Under the linden tree
That snowed its blossoms onto me -
I did not know how life went on,
And all was well again!

Nagore may not be Xabi’s great love, as well as Barcelona, but her gentle nature, her loving smile, her light voice manage to make the pain inside him fall silent. He feels warm and safe next to her, enjoys holding her petite body in his arms every morning.

During the next months, he begins to forget slowly. At the start of the next season he can read a football journal without being haunted by memories when coming across a certain name.

On the outside, he appears to be someone who has finally found home, who has found a club he belongs to; who has found a wife he wants to grow old with. Like a happy man. 

All! All, love and sorrow
And world and dream!

Only at night, Xabi Alonso is in Liverpool again and lies in Steven Gerrard’s arms.

And he smiles in his sleep.

                               ~ Fine ~


( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 25th, 2007 11:00 pm (UTC)
So very heartbreaking. Very,very heartbreaking.
Yeah, I just don't have any words to say. :(((
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:00 am (UTC)
*hands you a hanky*
It was so hard writing this. But I love the last two lines. And I feel like Xabi right now *sigh*
But there's a sequel ;)
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:16 am (UTC)
A hopeful sequel???

Thought of posting the second part of my fic, but I think that can wait for now. :D
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:32 am (UTC)
A sequel which has them meet again. And which has a happy ending, or sort of. An open ending, more likely. Only it's still on German and my friends didn't let me do anything on my own yesterday, so it's still not translated...
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:49 am (UTC)
Happy for that!

And if I haven't told you already, I loved this series so looking forward to more from you! <33
Mar. 26th, 2007 09:00 am (UTC)
Thank you, you really know how to make me feel better :)

What about the second part of that angsty fic of yours? Why don't you want to post it now? I'm in the mood for reading some good angst...
Mar. 26th, 2007 09:07 am (UTC)
LOL. I thought of posting it, but I just posted fluff yesterday, so will do that soon, later..keep a watch out. Hope you'll like it!
Mar. 26th, 2007 09:10 am (UTC)
Oh, you posted something yesterday? I really have to catch up with my f-list...
Mar. 26th, 2007 10:08 am (UTC)

Uhuh, a fluffy one! Will post the angst for yer!
Mar. 25th, 2007 11:18 pm (UTC)
Heartbreaking...my eyes actually welled up :( This was a great fic...despite the fact i'm a sucker for happy endings :D hehe
This was amazing
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:02 am (UTC)
*hands you a hanky* thank you so much. I love happy endings as well, so this was very, very hard for me to write, but chosing to write to these songs didn't allow for another ending. In the songs, the wayfarer even dies in the end, so this here is way more harmless. And it allows a sequel ;)
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:35 am (UTC)
hehe sequels are super fun :) *hint, hint* haha

you know what else is fun...happy endings! hahaha :)
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:41 am (UTC)
There is already a sequel, although to the original, German version which means that I still have to translate it. I don't know if you could say that it's a happy ending - it's an open ending, more likely. Which allows a sequel to the sequel ;)
Mar. 25th, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:03 am (UTC)
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Mar. 25th, 2007 11:50 pm (UTC)
Jesus christ.. This really brought tears to my eyes. So incredibly sad :(
Very, very well done though!
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:05 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. *hands you a hanky* I always cry when I listen to the song, it's so very, very sad. And I love the two last lines... well, the world of football is small and maybe he will meet Stevie again, in a nice sequel *whistles*
Mar. 26th, 2007 12:02 am (UTC)
So so heartbreaking. ;__;
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:07 am (UTC)
Thanks - I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mar. 26th, 2007 03:20 am (UTC)
My heart breaks for your Xabi... for Stevie too, but especially Xabi. Brought tears to my eyes.
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:09 am (UTC)
*hands you a hanky* Thank you - it's interesting to see that you feel for both of them. Stevie doesn't deserve being hated for doing this, he's only human as well. And humans make faults.
Mar. 26th, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
I don't doubt that Stevie loves Xabi... he's in a difficult position and probably is having a tough time living with his decision too. ♥ Glad to see there is a sequel to come, once it's translated.
Mar. 27th, 2007 07:41 pm (UTC)
Stevie hurts as well, it's as hard for him as it is for Xabi. It's just that this fic concentrates on Xabi and his pov, and since he doesn't see much of Stevie, he doesn't know how he is doing.
The sequel is off to my beta now, so I should be able to post it in a few days.
Mar. 26th, 2007 07:09 am (UTC)
Ohh dear, so heartbreaking. So gorgeous, though. :)
Mar. 26th, 2007 08:10 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. As for the heartbreaking - broken hearts can be mended. There is a sequel.
Mar. 26th, 2007 09:32 am (UTC)
Told you you'd break a lot of hearts with this, this story is so heartbreaking but wonderful at the same time, it's amazing. And I probably make no sense at all at the moment with what I'm writing as I'm sick again and I just crawled out of bed to check my mails and to tell you that I've read the sequel. And to be honest I can't really put into words how much I loved it, it's absolutely brilliant and I can't believe that you only got one review on that forum, it's a shame really.
I loved how you changed the point of view and the whole setting is perfect. I would write more but I don't want to go into detail in case you translate it into English and post it on here (you must! Please!:)) and I don't want to spoil anyone reading this. So yeah, I loved it!:)) Back to bed now.
Mar. 26th, 2007 09:53 am (UTC)
Oh dear, I hope you get well soon! *hugs*
Thank you so much, Sarah. This was the only way I could think of them "talking" about everything, in a way, and I can't describe how glad I am to get such positive feedback of you! Actually, I think about doing a sequel to that sequel ;) and the English tranlsation is in work, don't worry. I can't leave Stevie and Xabi like that...
Now get better soon! Or get a computer into bed ;) *sends you a package of virtual cough drops*
Mar. 26th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
*bursts into tears* *hugs xabi*
Mar. 27th, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, don't cry, dear! *hands you a box of tissues* Though you should continue hugging Xabi, he needs a lot of love. At least until the sequel *whistles*
Mar. 27th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
*takes the tissues and waits for the sequel*
Mar. 28th, 2007 12:59 am (UTC)

honestly, it's heartbreaking in all the good ways. and the last two lines are just ... PERFECT!

and now you've made me have second thoughts about doing my own fic about Xabi leaving. it could never be as good as this.

kudos! :D
Mar. 28th, 2007 07:20 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! I love the last two lines as well (and I'm still wondering how they came into my mind while writing).
Though, why not do your own fic as well? I had the same thoughts because I posted the first chapter during the second Barca transfer rumour when seemingly everyone wrote angsty break-up fics. But everyone's approach is different and I think it's interesting to see how the writers let their characters develop into different directions from a common idea-
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )